27th december 2011 (12:50 am, tuesday morning). baba left me, mom and brother behind. baba passed away. he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. baba only survived for 6 months and a half days. life of a cancer patient. hurm. i miss you so much. i love you, baba.
me and baba when i was just a baby. see how close we were. he was the only person that i'm manja with. baba was a great guy. a wonderful father. a sporting yet strict on certain things. happy go lucky guy. religious. always have Al-Quran in his hand no matter when and where. he always ready with his wuduk done. always said "adik, have you prayed?". baba did a good job in handling us while he was still alive. he gave so many things to us. he will make sure that happiness comes first between him and his family (mama, abang and me). he was a hardworking father as i can remember. he such a good father. i'm very thankful that ALLAH had given us and blessed us a gift where we couldn't ask for more. a great father. i remember, every night he will always gave me a call or text me. asking what am i doing right now? have you eaten already? how is your life? but now, it has been a week. those kind of thing have gone for just a glimpse. he was gone so soon. i miss almost everything about him. every single thing. once again, i'm thanked to ALLAH. HE made things well since baba alive.
baba has been on and off to the hospital for a lot of time for nearly 6 months. countless. he was in great pain before. but last 2 weeks (wednesday), i had a phone call from mama. at that time, baba was admitted for 2 weeks in the hospital. mama asked me whether i can come back during my study week early. i was curious. i couldn't stop asking her more what is happening at home? she answered in a down soft tone voice. i couldn't figured something. so, i just had to ask more. she insisted me to come back early so i can see baba. on that evening day, i called MAS. booked ticket to go back as soon as possible. i thanked Fitri (a friend of mine) for sending me off to the airport. and thanks to him, he shared some recipes regarding with baba health. unfortunately baba didn't eat it. when i arrived home, abang took me straight to the hospital. at that time, i teared a bit watching baba laying in his bed waiting for his medicine. he was so thin. the last time i remembered before i left home to sarawak for a semester break. he was still in shape. still a few fats left on his body. i went straight, held his hand and smiled at him. he smiled at me back. and i can ensured that baba was happy seeing me face to face. oh! i miss his smile already. 4 days in the hospital with mama and abang. 4 days rubbing his back, stayed up pretty late to take care of him and make sure he is comfortable. but baba, i'm sorry i accidentally mad at you. maybe i was too tired. i said "ala baba, i'm so tired. can you just go to sleep already, please?" with a sad, tired and accidentally made a mad voice.
i know it shouldn't be done at the first place. but i was tired. i was selfish. but still i shouldn't said like that to you. i should understand you more that you were suffering and uncomfortable with everything. baba i'm so sorry. i wish i could turn back the time and should have not say that thing again. i'm sorry. i wish ALLAH granted my wish. ='(
4 days with baba was planned. a good plan. a plan that ALLAH gave me the chance to see and be with baba for the rest of his life. i don't know when is he going to leave us. but those plan that ALLAH has arranged, got me thinking that
i should be one of the luckiest daughter in the universe. i miss him so bad. i miss him looking at me. smiling and say
adik. i miss him calling me adik. everyday. but the last time he called me adik was the last time when i wiped his back with a cold tower. he said
"thank you, adik." oh gee! i miss every second spending time with him. i remember that he was asking for a massage. abang and i held him. rubbing his back. holding his hand. kissing his forehead. we did everything. as long as he is comfortable. i remember when i laid my head on his shoulder. he was too tired to sit up straight. he laid his head at my head. although i couldn't see it. but i can imagine that it was a precious moment that i should be happy for. but the sad thing was he always couldn't get a good night sleep. he was restless. he always vomited. and unfortunately, all those thing that came out from his mouth was some sort of like a dead tissues from his pancreas. i just assume. i was devastated seeing him torturing himself to fight the cancer. he was tired until his last breathe.
before he passed away. i saw him suffered in breathing. i was thinking that could be his time to go. but i ignored it. i spent time with him by watching his favourite tv show seniman bujang lapok. a few laughed was enough for me to get rid off the tears that i was about to do. i whispered at his ear and recited him 3 times of 2 kalimah syahadah and lailahaillallah. by the time i finished recited them all. i saw his heartbeats was getting slower and slower. suddenly he was out of breath. i wasn't that panic. but i asked abang to see nurse and see the heartbeat meters. unfortunately, baba was gone. at that very time, mama was tired. she wasn't able to be with baba during his last breath. but what most important was that mama did spent a lot of her time with baba. now, he is gone. sometimes i couldn't accept the fact that he was gone because i miss him so much. but believe in ALLAH, qada' and qadar is happening. i should accept it with faith. redha and tawakal.
alhamdulillah. i managed to mandikan baba, kapankan baba sembahyangkan baba and seeing him dikebumikan. seeing him buried was the most sad moment that i couldn't erase it in my head. hurm. but what i don't want to erase is his smile. =)
baba, you are the most amazing father that ALLAH gave to me. you always been a good inspiration to me. and the best reference that i always need. i miss you so much. i love you so much, always and forever. a strong girl came from her father's gen. insya ALLAH i will be strong. will always smile to you, baba. will always pray to ALLAH for your happiness in heaven. i love you, baba..
al-fatihah..
p/s - thanks to all who came to visit baba at the hospital. to be frank, although baba was tired and in great pain. he was actually happy to see all of his friends, relatives, family and others that came to visit him. he was smiled whenever he opened up his eyes. seeing people around him. to those which just able to see him either from outside of the room and curtain, i can ensure you that baba felt you attendance. by hearing you voices and footsteps. thanks once again. may ALLAH bless you.
